March 24th, 2017

STAR WARS is a franchise that has risen from the ashes of itself to become so popular, that it's 2016 and you can buy Darth Vader cereal. Obviously this isn't the first time STAR WARS has been in the limelight. Many years ago, in a decade far, far away, the sci-fi classic debuted and spawned a legion of fans who have never really let the fire burn out. Actually, to say it has "risen from the ashes" is a cold way of putting it in all honesty. There was that poor 2nd trilogy, that let it down a bit. But STAR WARS fans have always championed the films to no end and a fair bunch would say that I'm wrong calling episodes 1 to 3 "poor". In fact that trilogy in itself has a large quarter portion (couldn't resist) of fans unto itself and where I may disagree with them, I totally understand and respect their opinion. However, since THE FORCE AWAKENS came into our lives I have found on forums and videos, large groups of STAR WARS fans who have unusual opinions. Yes you have the 2nd trilogy is the better trilogy group. You also have the group who believe Jar-Jar binks was actually a sith lord. You have those that believe Han didn't shoot first. These ideas, opinions and theories are fine, freedom of speech and all that. But I have come to learn there are a group of people who have this sick, hanus idea regarding STAR WARS. The idea that perpetuates that Ewoks are acceptable and even likeable! You're wrong. They are disgusting, stupid creatures who completely ruin the tone and finalé of the original trilogy

​In case you didn't know the Ewoks are like fat, upright walking koalas who somehow help the Rebel Alliance defeat the Galactic Empire even though they are very much without technology and extremely primitive at best. George Lucas based them on the Viet Cong guerillas who terrorized the American soldiers during the Vietnam war. But unlike the brutal reality of that war that was captured in 'Apocalypse Now', Lucas saw that the Ewoks muppet-ed their way to victory . Yes, there is the odd teddy bear wailing over a cuddly toy body but that's not what you remember. Instead the bastardised children of Danny DeVito and a rabid sloth use rope, well placed logs and nets to defeat Scout Troopers, AT-ST's and are made out to be the final piece in the rebel alliance being able to defeat the Empire. THE EMPIRE! Remember the Empire? The villains who had been built up over the previous 2 films to be genocidal, space Nazi's? Well they were defeated at by the walking personification of Richard Hammond's soul. George thought it would look great to see the Empire end up looking as dangerous as a perm. Well done.

"BUT JAY!" I hear you cry, "They really aren't that bad". No, we've been over this. You're wrong. They are bad. They really are. Because it didn't stop at RETURN OF THE JEDI did it? They had 2 sodding movies too! The first was in 1984 and had a title that typing it makes me want to vote for Nigel Farage. 'Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure' is the story of 2 people getting stranded on the planet and getting into some crazy hi-jinks...ya-da-ya-da bleugh! And then 1 year later a sequel came out! 'The Battle for Endor'! And then a smegging cartoon show! Do you remember it? No? NEITHER DO I! But this Titanic shit fest carried on for 2 seasons. Even the theme song was absolutely pants. Think of all the connections in the industry that the creators probably had at their finger tips and instead they went for a song that I can only describe as 'pure brown'. 'The Raccoons', now there was a show and what a bloody theme it had too! Seriously, stop reading and listen to 'The Raccoons' theme NOW!

But no, watching crack-addicted care bears run about in animated form wasn't enough. MARVEL did a bi-monthly comic and then there was a twatting toy line!! Did we really want all this? With such a rich tapestry of characters in the STAR WARS universe, why did George keep going back to these abused Yorkshire Terriers? Out of the plethora of solo films and spin offs that were so sought after why did he keep pushing Ewoks in our face? Because the man isn't actually that good of a storyteller in all honesty and that's where my true hate of them stems from.

From what we've been told, George actually penned 9 movies over just 13 pages and took them to FOX who amazingly greenlit his little project. He had spent years drafting up A NEW HOPE, it had been long and arduous to the point of where he thought of quitting as he thought his story was too complicated, but he prevailed and did it. And with that amount of time spent on the project and so many drafts, the finished article was then easy for him to transcend to the screen. But when the THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK was given the thumbs up, it's here that Lucas was thrown straight out of his comfort zone. Yes, he was good at directing but he really didn't have too much background in storytelling or dialogue and really struggled with this part of the creative process (to be fair if you want any evidence of this, go watch ATTACK OF THE CLONES). So he was sensible and he called in co-writers to help him and even stepped down as director. For me, the Ewoks are the embodiment of everything wrong with George Lucas.

George became the Axl Rose of film-making. He made some very bad decisions and ruined a lot of the franchise for folks. It's more or less common knowledge that he's lost whatever he had. Literally, selling it off to DISNEY for them to save. He even offered to give ideas for these next 3 films and how many of his ideas did they use? None, according to the reports. So where did it all go wrong? When did the magician lose his magic? Normally people start pointing at Jar-Jar, the Midichlorians and the second trilogy as a whole, or perhaps he began to lose it when he complete re-mastered and tampered with the original trilogy along with an iron fisted ban on the distribution of those original versions. For me, the cracks began showing right there. In the soulless haunting eyes of a creature that looks like Donald Trump's pubic wig. 

They are nothing but a terrible aftertaste on one of the most legendary trilogies of all time. Unfortunately a lot of people out there blindly just accept it's okay and that "they're fine". They are the earliest recordings of 'Phantom Menacing' (where you convince yourself that something was great or fine when it really wasn't) and they need our help. If you or anyone you know still enjoy the screentime brought to you by these Cerebral Palsy ridden Honey Badgers, then please seek help.