William & Kate (2011)

Biography, Drama, Romance
Director: Mark Rosman
Starring: Camilla Luddington, Nico Evers-Swindell
For fans of: Dire rom coms of the awful variety
​My Rating: 1 out of 10

It may shock you to know that I wasn't exactly over the moon when this film was decided as my film to watch for when we hit 300 likes on Facebook. But nevertheless I felt it couldn't be quite as bad as it sounded and so I headed in with an open mind. But having now seen it, I would like to start off by saying; you are all bastards and I will never forgive you. I don't feel this movie deserves a review, but like the honourable gentlemen I am, I will pay my debts and so here it is.

Well where do I begin? It started with a blue screen which simply read “William & Kate” in rather tacky text and it was here I realise how monumentally awful the next hour and a half was going to be. It looked cheap, it felt tacky and it really did make me cringe even before we had seen our first character. Cue the ever so wooden Nico Evers-Swindell who plays Prince William. His acting was so dull and lifeless they must have had a nurse on set to check his pulse occasionally just in case the posh arsehole had died. Then comes Camilla Luddington as Kate, who instead of making the character anywhere near likeable, has actually made me despise the real life Kate Middleton. Pitiful efforts are made to make you feel Kate’s had some sort of terrible ordeal for being a commoner in love with the Prince of England, but it seemed about the biggest hashtag first world problem I have ever known. You will have noticed so far there have been no plus points in this movie review. Which I always think is unfair.

It would almost be too easy to watch this film and say I’m giving it a zero, but come on, people had put effort into making this film, someone directed it, albeit I think he did it from the pub next door. And people apparently acted in it, though again I saw no evidence of this. But I did have one moment I genuinely enjoyed and therefore I can score it a 1. It featured a scene where the toffs all bugger off on a jolly to shoot some pheasants (of course they do). In this scene, you could hear gun shots. Ahhhhhh the sweet sound of gun shots, if I close my eyes I can almost pretend that someone is killing all the people involved with the movie, or at the very least, someone is putting me out of my misery.

Sadly the firing stopped and with that my last hope of escape was over. I was pleading for someone to tell me the safety word which I had clearly forgotten. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, Prince William starts singing, badly. I certainly didn’t expect nor want a musical number and suddenly it wasn't just my eyes being abused, but my ears as well. I half expected Noel Edmunds to turn up to shove shit in my face and give me the full smellovision experience to really fuck all my senses. Piss off Noel, I don't need to scratch and sniff here to smell shite.

It did however, forgivingly come to an end. I felt rotten, used and cheap so I crawled into the shower, sat down and turned on the cold tap. Dirty and abused I lay there contemplating, 'why'?

Why would anyone make this movie? Why would anyone watch this movie? Why would anyone subject another person with feelings into watching this? I look to you, yes you who voted for this. Fuck you. Fuck you.​